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  • Writer's pictureTrevor Crowder

One Step Back

So the last few days have been tough. My life changed very quickly, I am hurt, sad, confused, and depressed. Just when life seems to be getting better it has this ability to knock you back down harder than it has before. I am a wreck, but that isn’t going to stop me from becoming something better.

Although I’ve stated that I didn’t want to use religion a ton on here I feel like it’s an appropriate time to do so. I am a Christian, I love Jesus with my full heart. I pray to Jesus and I ask for His favor. So you might beg the question, “where is His favor?”, my friend, I’ve been asking the same question. What is all this hurt, disappointment, confusion, and pain going to lead to? How is this at all what a loving father wants for me?

Well, that’s just it, he’s a father, he’s our Heavenly Father, our greatest father, and our most loving father. In my previous post, I talked about the attributes to love. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a). Rejoices with the truth, that’s what strikes me. What if my truth isn’t his truth? What if what he truly wants for me required heartbreak to steer me toward what that is? To me, the situation that caused my pain wasn’t the deterrent, I was. I was beginning to turn towards him, I read my Bible daily, I prayed daily, and I went to three separate Bible studies along with church, wasn’t this enough? No. God has a calling on my life that I keep pushing away, he wants me to understand that life without that calling is a life that lacks meaning.

He also understands my track record. As I’ve stated in other posts; my life these last few years have been filled with nothing but disappointment and heartbreak. It has sunk me into this undeniable depression and longing for something more. I would always stumble and return to things of this world. Whether that’s partying, girls, sports, or anything but God himself. I would never find the love for life within those things, however. I would either find numbness or instant gratification. The gratification of forgetting all my problems due to the alcohol I’ve consumed. The gratification of attention from a girl that I wouldn’t remember the name of but at least she found me attractive right? Finally, a false sense of true love, meaning, purpose, and fulfillment I received from baseball.

I have tried every avenue other than God to heal myself. None of them have worked, an emptiness has lingered over me for so long. But last night, when I was as sad as I’ve ever been, or at least in a very long time, I turned to God. I laid in my bed worshipping him, I laid in my bed talking to him, I cried out, I asked why, and he responded with, “trust me”.

This time around I will win. This time around I will become a version of myself nobody knew was possible. Spiritually I will be unshakeable, mentally strong and happy, and physically healthy. It won’t be easy, it’ll be very lonely and hard at times. But the ending will be so worth it. The sense of meaning, belonging, purpose, and fulfillment are so worth a time of struggle. Sometimes you need to be completely broken in order to be rebuilt into something oh-so-beautiful.

To wrap things up, whether you’re a Christian or not I hope you begin to realize that true fulfillment isn’t of this world. I’m young, and I don’t know everything, but I’ve experienced a lot for somebody my age and have tried both avenues of life, and that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I pray that you begin to love being alive, I pray that you try every day to bring this earth a bit closer to heaven and a bit further away from hell. I also pray that you understand that no matter what happens to you, you are worth it, loved, and mean the world to so many people out there, and your creator.

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